Ethan got his first goose egg tonight. My heart was ripped in two.
We were all getting ready to put him to sleep. Jake was putting fresh sheets on the bed and I was... I can't remember what I was doing now. All I remember was that I was on the floor seeing Ethan crawl towards the bed, then his little hands grabbed the frame of the bed and he slipped. BONK! After that it was all a blur. Crying. Frantically we picked him up. Rushed him downstairs for his Grandpa who is a doctor to examine. Ice pack.
I felt sick to the core. I had the strongest urge to cry because of all the worries and guilt and sadness and compassion that was crashing over me like a tsunami but somehow I couldn't cry. Maybe it was the mother's instinct. I whimpered and made sounds that I never knew I could utter but there was no time for tears. I faintly remember being the one to pick Ethan up immediately after the accident but somehow Jake took him from me and rushed him downstairs and I felt... angry. I wanted my baby. He belonged in my arms. I took him back after his initial examination by his grandpa and in my arms he stayed all night long until he was fast asleep a couple hours after the incident.
But before I put him to sleep, I was sitting in the walk-in closet with him in my arms. By that time, Ethan was already all smiley and ready for some more climbing--it wasn't until then that I started crying. All the guilt that was rushing through me finally found its way to my eyes. And as they rolled down my cheeks, the only words that came out of my mouth was Mommy is so sorry. Mommy is so sorry... Ethan stared at me with furrowed eyebrows but was more interested in the hamper than his sad mama. However, before he moved on to exploring the dirty laundry, he gave me kisses on my lips as if he knew exactly why I was hurting and that he was telling me that he had already forgiven me. The hard thing about being a mom though is forgiving yourself.
J's first goose egg was caused by me. We were playing tickle monster, and somehow he lost his footing and went face first onto something hard and pointy. It left a giant dent in his forehead skin (which disappeared 1/2 hr later). We called the nurse and she said to watch J for signs of concussions (which he thankfully didn't have), congratulated me on surviving his first head bonk, and warned of many more to come. I'm glad all of you are ok. It's amazing how babies bounce back so quickly. It's also amazing how they find just the right time before pictures to do it too!
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have a nurse with a very good sense of humor. When Ethan first bonked his head, there was a little dent on his forehead as well and I freaked out. But it disappeared by the time we went downstairs for his grandpa to see him. I was super worried still but I guess it's not unusual for babies to have dents when they first hit their heads.
DeleteIt's hard being a mommy. We miss you guys, but I'm happy you are blogging so much. Mr. E. is soooo cute :-)
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