Bah-baye Mama

I had always been the one to put Ethan to bed ever since he was born until about a month ago when we decided it was time to stop co-sleeping with the bug.  Jake is the one who puts him to bed now.  When we first started changing things up, E screamed and kicked and cried at the top of his lungs when daddy came pulling him away from mommy, but he doesn't do that anymore.  He willingly went to daddy after snuggling with me on the couch, waved to me while he said "bah baye", blew me a kiss, and that's it.  I watched Jake carry him into his nursery.  There was no screaming, no kicking, no crying.  I should be happy, and I am glad that he's not sad, but there was an ache in my chest.  I feel like he doesn't need me the way he used to need me anymore and that makes me just a little bit sad.  I'm sure I'm just walking along the road of young motherhood like so many have walked before me.  It's sometimes good to know that I'm not alone in this, that my mom, my mom's mom, and so many other moms out there have all felt what I'm feeling tonight.  

Little T.

Jake has a pet name for Ethan that he calls him by whenever he's being naughty.  He calls him Little T, as in Little Trouble. In the beginning he started calling him Big T without fully understanding that he himself is the Big T and that his rightful heir should, therefore, be given the title Little T.  Little T is up to lots of no good during the day when he's home alone with mama, but what are you supposed to do with such a cute and curious T?  I usually smile, sometimes laugh, but always take a picture for Big T to see what he had missed out on that day and for myself to look back on so that I can charge the little for all the damages (both physically and mentally) he has caused when he turns 18.

A Bad Day

The ingredients for a leg clinging monster baby are listed as follow:

First, start with a one year old.

Then add:

A traumatic procedure the day before

A night with only ten hours of sleep instead of the usual twelve+ hours

Two short naps

Teething, or two huge swelling spots on his gum with dots of white showing to be exact

An allergic reaction

I did, though, manage to put dinner on the table.  I think I deserve a round of applause.

Thank you.

And cheers to all you moms around the world with your very own leg clinging monsters setting up camp at your foot (or feet if you have multiple).  Tomorrow will be a better day.

A Three Hour Nap

I read a quote once about how there's nothing closer to heaven than having a little boy fall asleep next to you.  In my humble opinion, lots of other moments in life come closer to heaven than a sleeping baby boy; giving birth to one would be a good example.  However, it is a sweet sight to see a little boy, who just a few minutes ago was running wild and bouncing on the bed to the tune of Star Wars, drift off to sleep laying right next to you.  I love watching my baby sleep.  Sometimes he wakes up happy and that moment when his chubby little face turns from drowsiness to a great big smile as soon as he lays eyes on you comes pretty close to a perfect mom moment.  Right then, I could feel something like heaven nearby.  Yes, pretty close.  Pretty darn close.

My Top 3 Apps as a Mom

Ever since I posted a few pictures of Ethan from our baby monitor a while ago (You know, the post with pictures of him standing in his crib sleeping?), I've gotten a few messages from friends asking me what baby monitor we use so I thought that I would blog about my top three favorite apps as a mom.

My Smart Hands Baby Sign Language Dictionary

I was very set on teaching Ethan baby sign language even before he was born.  I read a few books on the subject and decided that it was something that will benefit our family.  I learned a few basic signs that the books included while I was pregnant but as E got older I realized that I will need to know more than a handful of signs so I got Smart Hands.  I decided to get it because it had the most signs (300) at the time of purchase compared to the other baby sign language apps.  I like how clear the signs and instructions are and how easy it is to look up a word.

Total Baby

I love this app and I would recommend it to every new mother.  I used this app every single day after Ethan was born up until he was about eight months old.  It helped me keep track of every little detail about his life: how much he nursed and for how long on each side, how many diapers he had, how many naps he took and how long each of them were, how many times he woke up in the middle of the night and when was the last time we bathed him, what kind of solids did he eat, etc.  You can look at the summarized timeline and various charts.  It's awesome.  Another great thing about it is that Jake has the app on his phone as well and we can sync our entries so that if Jake changed a diaper when I was napping, it would still go into the log.  I don't know if I'm remembering this correctly (I can sure look it up!) but I think that I spent over a day and a half per week nursing Ethan when he was a newborn.  Crazy I know, but I would never exchange that experience for anything.

Best Baby Monitor

Like the name of the app suggests, this is the best baby monitor ever.  You can see and hear every movement your baby makes.  The downside is that you'll need two devices: one to monitor the baby and one to watch him on.  Luckily we are diehard Apple fans, so that wasn't a problem for us.

So there you have it, my three favorite apps to use for my baby.

I Want to Teach Him

I have a very original excuse for not blogging the last couple days.  I lent my mouse and keyboard to someone who needed it for some very important work.  I bet you've never heard that one before, eh?

My in-laws were in town visiting.  We had so much fun together.  I love my in-laws--they are amazing people and I want to grow up to be like them.  My father-in-law is a doctor and a while ago he went to a third-world country to volunteer.  This was the first time for us to see him after his trip so he did a little slideshow one of the nights we were together and showed us what his trip was like.  He mentioned a couple of cases where the patients' mothers refused to let their children receive treatments, I think it was mostly because they didn't understand that even though what the doctors were suggesting might sound terrifying but it was indeed the best thing for their children.  I was heartbroken.  Every mother wants the best for their children, especially a mother who had travelled who knows how far and had sacrificed who knows how much to get her child seen by volunteering doctors from America.  But because of their lack of understanding, their children are going to keep suffering.

That night after looking at all the pictures my father-in-law showed us, I laid in bed feeling very guilty.  I feel like I can do SO MUCH MORE to make this a better world.  You know?  I felt selfish that I've been so consumed in my own little world: getting all worked up because I couldn't decide on a main color for the master bedroom in our new house and spending half an eternity looking for the perfect computer/mommy station and the perfect chair to go with it and the perfect rug and kitchen hutch and light fixture and whatever.

I started thinking hard on what I can do to help others.  I think I'm going to start with Ethan.  I want to teach him to be kind.  I want to teach him to have compassion and to care about others.  I want to teach him that nothing you can buy with money in this world will ever make you as happy as when you've helped someone in need.  I want to teach him that no one is perfect unless you stop looking for their imperfections and start forgiving.  I want to teach him that yes he is important and yes he is a child of God but so is the next guy.

Blessed

***Before you start reading, please be noted that I am NOT pregnant.  I would hate to give you a heart attack for nothing.

Anyway...

People have been asking me if I'm ready for baby number two yet.  The first time a friend asked me that it was like she had just splashed a very cold coke at my face, with ice no less.  Wha-, wha-, what's that you say?  Baby number TWO?!  I just had this one!  The thought was ringing in my head because I was too stunned to utter the words.

Baby number two...  I hadn't given it much thought because it just seemed like such a foreign idea!  Like we're talking about traveling to the planet Mars.  I feel like I had just been wheeled out of the delivery room yesterday!  But then again I guess it's not entirely true when I say that I haven't thought about baby number two at all because on days when Ethan is especially draining I do think to myself about number two--the fact that I'm never having a baby number two.

Baby number two...  I guess the words don't seem completely impossible.  After all, we have successfully landed a Wall-E-look-alike robot on Mars (which is very cool), right?  The thought of once again holding a brand new baby that belongs to me makes my heart flutter.  Besides, Jake and I have always known that we want more than one child.  Plus, Ethan loves kids and he's so good with them.  He will be a wonderful big brother.  My very own little sister is the best gift my parents have ever given me; I'm sure it will be the same with Ethan and I would hate to rob him of all the wonderful time he could've been spending with a sibling by waiting too long.

Jake is seriously going to have a heart attack when he reads this post.  My mother, too.

I'm not saying that I'm ready for baby number two right now but I'm not throwing up at the thought either.

I'm just grateful that we live in a free country and that we can decide for ourselves how many children we would like to invite into our family.  I don't think that enough of us think of this as a blessing when we really should be grateful for the opportunity.  

Two Books and a Movie

Guess who read two books in four days after not reading a single non-parenting book for a whole ten months?  Me.  It's like I've been denied the happiness of reading and now I'm just soaking it all in while making up for lost time.  I really enjoyed both of these books and would highly recommend them.  Before you pick them up, know that they are both on the sad side.  Small As an Elephant really made me think about my relationship with Ethan and about the kind of mother I want to be.  Jefferson's Sons was very interesting.  This book motivated me to do some extra research on Thomas Jefferson, who I admittedly didn't know very much about other than that he was a founding father and the third president of the United States.  It also made me think hard about slavery.  I bawled hard at the end of this book.

Speaking of crying, this is a movie that will make you cry...

I know this movie has been out for a while, but the truth is that I haven't been to the movie theater since before Ethan was born (the last movie I saw in theater was Captain America!) so I'm a little behind.  Nevertheless, this is an excellent movie.  It breaks my heart to think of all the children who lost their parent(s) in 9/11.

I think of my own death someday in the future and of Ethan all alone in the world and it makes me panic.  I don't like thinking about it too much but I do think about it sometimes.  It could happen, you know, me leaving this world before Ethan is grown.  Maybe that's why I am always thinking of what kind of legacy I am leaving for him.  I have never been a very faithful traditional journal keeper.  I have a few of them stacked somewhere with only the first few pages filled because...  For starters, they don't spellcheck.  I would hate for my posterity to think that I'm no good at spelling (even though that's the truth!), and blogging is much more fun.  Whether I'm going to live till tomorrow or until I'm eighty years old, I would like E to have some of my words with him, telling him that I love him after I'm gone.  I love him so much, right now, as I type, and right now, as you're reading this.  I also hope that when he looks at the pictures I take of him that he'll be able to see himself through my eyes and realize just how special and important he is to me.  Life is fragile.  Love the people around you, be kind, breathe the air, and live life.

Thank You Muffin Tins

What do you do when you're trying to cook dinner and your baby is crawling on the kitchen floor, opening and closing your kitchen cabinets, strewing tupperware and cutting boards all over the floor, and pulling on your pants so hard that they're threatening to come off?  You can give up and cry and then order take-out.  But Pinterest suggests otherwise.  What you should do is to nicely set him in his highchair, explain to him that you're working in the kitchen, pull out a muffin tin, and drop some goldfish and cheese in the cups.  It's amazing how long this can keep him entertained, and it helps him to brush up on his fine motor skills as well.  Thank you muffin tins.

Dear Ethan: { Nine Months }

Dearest Ethan,

I can't believe that I've known you for only a little over nine months; it seems as though I've known you forever.  How could this be?  I do not know, but perhaps I'm feeling this way because I have loved you for a long long time.

You are the sweetest baby ever born, always so kind and sensitive.  You love kids and babies.  Whenever you see a child, you always lean your little body toward them and babble or wave to try to get their attention.  I have no doubt that you're going to be a great big brother someday.  You've learned how to give big wet kisses on demand.  We call them lion kisses: you open your mouth so so big and then chomp down on my lips.  You've also learned how to scrunch up your nose whenever I ask you to do a funny face.  You are so cute I die several times everyday.

Your eighth tooth came in last week and you've been acting really sensitive today.  I suspect that more teeth are on their way.  Your little body is getting so strong.  You stand up with almost no effort at all.  Sometimes you think that you can stand without holding onto anything.  I'm sure you will be able to do it very soon now.

Ethan, mama wishes that you could remember your days with me right now--we have so much fun together.  You continue to motivate me to become a better person.  Thank you for making me so happy.  If you could learn only one thing about your mama, please know that I love you and your baba very much.

Love always,
Mama

On Raising Boys

Jake's parents have eight and a half (half because he's still in the belly) grandsons and zero granddaughters.  Go figure.  Being around eight boys all day long is like eating lots and lots of butter in gourmet meals: they make you happy but they are also dangerous business.  I swear my heart stops pumping at least half a dozen times a day after seeing one of them jump from a big rock five feet above ground or climb onto a tree ten feet in the air.  They are all grade A Batman and Spiderman knockoffs, you have to understand.  They seem incapable of surviving without a stick or some sort of weapon in their hands.  It's all very frightening to me.

Where I'm from, boys don't run or jump or climb or get dirty without being yelled at or having their ears yanked.  I think it is one of the reasons why very few of them ever grow to be men.  How can you expect a boy to ever grow up when all he knows is the inside wall of a gigantic bubble?  And one day, when that bubble bursts, you will find not a man who is ready to face the world with a family on his back but an immature thirty-year-old boy who has no sense of responsibility.

It is a constant challenge for me to find the perfect balance in letting Ethan learn from exploring the world and keeping him from getting too scuffed up but I will certainly try my very best.